Happy Moments

Last week I was challenged by a friend to list three happy moments every day for a week. I got busy and didn't get a week straight, but here are seven days' worth of my happy moments:

Going to Swiss Days with my mom and sisters

Watching Charlie and Caroline show off their dance moves

Reading a letter from Forrest

Making it to church just in time to take the Sacrament

Seeing Charlie and Caroline smile when I picked them up from nursery

Talking to Forrest on the phone for the first time in 3 weeks

Picking peas in the garden with Charlie and watching his smile as he ate them, pod and all

Canning peaches with my mom and sister

Watching Caroline crack herself up during dinner

Sleeping past 7:30 AM

Walking through my parents jungle of a garden and discovering a zucchini bigger than my thigh

Making Charlie giggle by chasing him up the stairs

Waking up at 2 AM to get my niece a drink of water because she was "too thirsty to sleep"

Watching Charlie and Caroline sit outside in their diapers and devour a whole peach each

Having the babes nap during dinner so I actually got to eat a full, uninterrupted meal

Going to lunch with my sisters and grandpa

Watching Caroline wave at everyone and everything she sees

Seeing Charlie walk through our courtyard behind his walking toy

Making it to the halfway mark of Forrest's training

Looking at a family picture and asking Caroline "where's mommy?" and seeing her point right to me

When the Unexpected Happens

We think we have a plan for our lives. Then a giant obstacle gets in your way and changes everything. It leaves you on a completely different road than you'd planned, but soon you adjust to this new path and get settled into a groove again. If you're lucky, you get to stay in that groove for a while. But some people aren't that way. And I'm one of those people.

In my previous post about infertility, I mentioned how hard it was to cope with not being able to have children. The twins were an absolute miracle, and I thank my Father in Heaven for them every single day. After going through IVF, I dreaded the day that I would have to do it again. Of course it was worth it - but it was so so hard. Emotionally and physically. I crossed my fingers and hoped and prayed that somehow, someway, I would never have to do it again. But I knew they were false hopes. Infertility is a part of my life now, so I need to accept that and realize that this is my new normal. Most people don't have to pay $15,000 for their children. But I do. 

I'd accepted this new normal and was moving on in my own merry way, leading a crazy life filled with my two crazy 11 month old munchkins. And then all of the sudden, in one moment, that normal became not so normal. That was the moment I got a positive pregnancy test. The first of my entire life. (The nurse called me the first time. I never actually took a test). I was completely shocked. And speechless. And dumbfounded. I couldn't stop shaking. And smiling. You always hear about those people who try for so long and then either adopt or do infertility, then without even trying or knowing they get pregnant out of the blue. I'd heard about them. But I never in a million years thought I'd be one of them. 

There are a myriad of different thoughts that run through my head. More emotions that actual thoughts, really. Excitement. Relief. Terror. Shock. Joy. Inadequacy. Gratitude. Fear. They are all there. But the most present emotion is shear happiness. Words cannot express how happy I am to have this baby. This baby that is every bit as much of a miracle as Charlie and Caroline are. 

Like I said, I still have fear and doubts. I mean, I'm going to have 3 kids 18 months and under. Do we get a 3rd crib? 3rd high hair? Or do my twins just have to grow up super fast? Do we need to move? Is it at all possible to potty train before 18 months old? How am I going to handle 3 kids in diapers? I could keep going. But I won't.

My point is, the bad feelings are there. The fear and the doubts and the insecurities. But I choose not to focus on them. I choose to recognize that this baby is a complete miracle and a blessing sent straight from heaven, rather than thinking "why me?".

I don't know why we had to go through infertility. Maybe Forrest and I needed to learn patience. Or maybe Charlie needed Caroline right by his side to help him weather the storms that are sure to come his way. We'll never know. Either way, even with this miracle baby, it's likely we will have to cope with infertility again at some point. But for now I will just be grateful. Grateful to have my three little miracles. 

10 Things I Didn't Understand Until I Had Kids

1) Nap time is sacred.
I mean that quite literally. Don't be offended if you call me during nap time and I don't answer. Or I answer but only talk briefly. It's that amazing (yet always too brief) part of the day where you can shower, eat, clean the house, catch up on your TV shows and try to relax. Like I said, sacred.

2) You can sweep the floor five times a day and still have crumbs everywhere.
I remember thinking it was odd that one of my friends had sweeping the floor on both the morning and afternoon chores list for her kids. But seriously. When there are children roaming free in the house, you can sweep all day long and still have food sticking to the bottom of your feet when you walk around barefoot.

3) You will forget what life before kids was like.
Being able to leave the house on a whim? Spontaneous weekend getaways? Enjoying a nice quiet candle-lit dinner at home? Those things will all seem worlds away, like a dream that you are unsure of whether or not it actually happened.

4) It is impossible to have nice things.
That cute shirt you bought on a killer sale? NEVER wear it unless you want it to be covered in ketchup, yogurt, or blueberry stains. Your smart phone/tablet/laptop? Hide them. Up high. And don't ever let them be seen. Those cute lamps that you spent hours refinishing? You have two options: 1) put them in a storage until for the next 15 years or 2) take a picture for posterity and then give them a kiss goodbye.

5) Your house will never be clean again.
Your perfectly decorated house will be cluttered with an endless amount of baby things. It starts with swings, bouncers, burp cloths and diapers. Soon it turns into jumpers, bumbos, high chairs, books, stuffed animals and toys. Add a cute little crawler or walker into the mix and you have a constant "my-house-looks-like-it's-been-hit-by-a-hurricane" feeling.

6) Picking someone else's boogers isn't as bad as it sounds.
Neither is cleaning up a child with poop up their back. When it's your own child, it's not weird. It's just life. I remember watching my sister pick her daughter's nose and thinking that it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. Now it's a nearly daily occurrence for me.

7) Everything in your house is deadly.
If your kids are awake and let loose in the house, you will never go outside for long. You will constantly be worrying that they will pull over that 300+ pound entertainment center that you have yet to secure to the wall. Or that they will eat something nasty out of the garbage. Or fall and hit their head on the corner of your $7 Ikea end table. Basically anything in your house could kill your child.

8) Hanging out with friends is nearly impossible.
You swore you would be the cool parents that would still go hang out with your old friends and do pretty much anything you want. Oh wait what about nap time? It's sacred, remember? And then there's the time you need to breastfeed. Can you do that easily where you're going? Now make sure you pack enough diapers, wipes, burp clothes, bibs, toys, books, spare change of clothes, snacks etc. in the diaper bag. Got it all? OK go. Then once you get to wherever you're going, your child decides they want to scream the whole time. So you go home, probably before even really getting to see your friends. And you decide just to stay home next time.

9) You never knew what love really was.
Your heart will hurt with how much you love your little mini-me. And your love for your spouse will grown and change too, when you see how much they love your little one. You will be overly emotional about any potential harm that could come to your child. And you will be completely irrational. You would literally do absolutely anything for your baby.

10) The laundry/dishes/housework will never be done.
You will no longer be able to get away with doing one-two loads of laundry a week. It's a daily thing now. And the dishwasher will be run on a daily basis. You should vacuum at least weekly but you don't. You will pick up toys all day every day and still miss some. You will have a pile of folded laundry that sits outside the baby's room all night (and maybe for the next few nights) until you get a chance to go in and put everything away. And folding all those teeny tiny baby clothes is pure misery.

Confessions of a Twin Mom

Sometimes, when both my babies are crying and I don't know why or how to help it, I put them in their cribs and walk outside for a minute (or five) under the pretense of checking the mail.

Sometimes one tackles the other, pulls hair, bites, sits on them etc.. I just let it happen.

I always feed them with the same spoon. Even if one is sick, dripped snot onto it, threw it on the floor.. I don't need any more dishes to wash than I already have.

Sometimes my kids eat Graham Crackers for lunch. Not often, but sometimes.

Sometimes I let them play in the dishwasher, refrigerator, or bottom part of the oven. Whatever makes them happy.

Sometimes I wipe their snot onto their shirt. Or my shirt. Or a nearby blanket. Even occasionally my hand.

My kids always have, and still do, share pacifiers, botttles, sippy cups, etc.. Germs are shared freely here.

Sometimes when I find a chunk of food that is to big for them to eat, I chew it in my own mouth first and then take it out and give it to them. Much easier than finding a knife.

Sometimes if they poop in a fresh, clean diaper, I dump the poop in the toilet and put the diaper back on.

Sometimes I feed my babies off of the floor. I usually try to put a plate under it, but the plate doesn't ever last very long.

Sometimes (I mean most times) we stay in our pajamas until noon. The only exception is when Charlie has therapy or we have a dr. appointment. Or my mom is there, because she doesn't let that happen.

Sometimes when my kids are outside and they put something from the ground into their mouths, I just let them eat it.

When I'm feeding them and they spit something out, I put it back in their mouths. Or sometimes into their sibling's mouth. Not usually my mouth though.

Sometimes when a baby crawls onto the couch, I forget and leave the room. They always follow me. And I've never actually seen them get down from the couch, but they don't ever cry so I assume they are doing it safely.

Well, I think that's it. You can go ahead and judge me now.