10 Things I Didn't Understand Until I Had Kids

1) Nap time is sacred.
I mean that quite literally. Don't be offended if you call me during nap time and I don't answer. Or I answer but only talk briefly. It's that amazing (yet always too brief) part of the day where you can shower, eat, clean the house, catch up on your TV shows and try to relax. Like I said, sacred.

2) You can sweep the floor five times a day and still have crumbs everywhere.
I remember thinking it was odd that one of my friends had sweeping the floor on both the morning and afternoon chores list for her kids. But seriously. When there are children roaming free in the house, you can sweep all day long and still have food sticking to the bottom of your feet when you walk around barefoot.

3) You will forget what life before kids was like.
Being able to leave the house on a whim? Spontaneous weekend getaways? Enjoying a nice quiet candle-lit dinner at home? Those things will all seem worlds away, like a dream that you are unsure of whether or not it actually happened.

4) It is impossible to have nice things.
That cute shirt you bought on a killer sale? NEVER wear it unless you want it to be covered in ketchup, yogurt, or blueberry stains. Your smart phone/tablet/laptop? Hide them. Up high. And don't ever let them be seen. Those cute lamps that you spent hours refinishing? You have two options: 1) put them in a storage until for the next 15 years or 2) take a picture for posterity and then give them a kiss goodbye.

5) Your house will never be clean again.
Your perfectly decorated house will be cluttered with an endless amount of baby things. It starts with swings, bouncers, burp cloths and diapers. Soon it turns into jumpers, bumbos, high chairs, books, stuffed animals and toys. Add a cute little crawler or walker into the mix and you have a constant "my-house-looks-like-it's-been-hit-by-a-hurricane" feeling.

6) Picking someone else's boogers isn't as bad as it sounds.
Neither is cleaning up a child with poop up their back. When it's your own child, it's not weird. It's just life. I remember watching my sister pick her daughter's nose and thinking that it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. Now it's a nearly daily occurrence for me.

7) Everything in your house is deadly.
If your kids are awake and let loose in the house, you will never go outside for long. You will constantly be worrying that they will pull over that 300+ pound entertainment center that you have yet to secure to the wall. Or that they will eat something nasty out of the garbage. Or fall and hit their head on the corner of your $7 Ikea end table. Basically anything in your house could kill your child.

8) Hanging out with friends is nearly impossible.
You swore you would be the cool parents that would still go hang out with your old friends and do pretty much anything you want. Oh wait what about nap time? It's sacred, remember? And then there's the time you need to breastfeed. Can you do that easily where you're going? Now make sure you pack enough diapers, wipes, burp clothes, bibs, toys, books, spare change of clothes, snacks etc. in the diaper bag. Got it all? OK go. Then once you get to wherever you're going, your child decides they want to scream the whole time. So you go home, probably before even really getting to see your friends. And you decide just to stay home next time.

9) You never knew what love really was.
Your heart will hurt with how much you love your little mini-me. And your love for your spouse will grown and change too, when you see how much they love your little one. You will be overly emotional about any potential harm that could come to your child. And you will be completely irrational. You would literally do absolutely anything for your baby.

10) The laundry/dishes/housework will never be done.
You will no longer be able to get away with doing one-two loads of laundry a week. It's a daily thing now. And the dishwasher will be run on a daily basis. You should vacuum at least weekly but you don't. You will pick up toys all day every day and still miss some. You will have a pile of folded laundry that sits outside the baby's room all night (and maybe for the next few nights) until you get a chance to go in and put everything away. And folding all those teeny tiny baby clothes is pure misery.

From the Mouths of Babes

I have the 4 most darling nieces in the world. The oldest is 5 and the youngest is 3. Two of them just got a new baby brother, but the other two haven't had a lot of exposure to babies. So when we moved here close to them, it was like a whole new world of nursing, spit up, stretch marks, and babies being babies. They have been such good little helpers and love playing "mommy" themselves. Their curiosity about all things baby has led them to say and do some pretty funny things. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

After peeking under my nursing cover, "Mom! Aunt Holly is feeding Caroline out of her booties!" (Yes, she calls them booties.)

"Aunt Holly what's wrong with your belly?" "What do you mean?" "Well... It's scrambled!"

"Mom why can't you feed Charlie out if your booties? Because Aunt Holly would get mad?"

My sisters have both observed their little ones pulling up their shirts to feed their babies like me. 

While helping her mom babysit the twins, "Aunt Holly. I'm calling you on my microphone. Caroline spit up her peas. Call me back. Officer out."

After peeking under my cover while I was pumping, "What is that thing?" Me: "it helps get milk out of my body to feed the babies in a bottle." "Oh!" Then, to my grandpa, "Gramps do you hear that pumpy thingy? It's getting the milk out of Aunt Holly's booties!"

Every single time I change a dirty diaper, "Ew! Did he go poop?"

While feeding Charlie, "Aunt Holly what are those things?" "Oh Charlie is eating." "Eating? He's EATING YOU?!" 

I sing a night time song to the babes every time I put them down for a nap. My niece has started singing her version of the song to her doll, "it's beddy time, it's beddy time.."

Love those girls. 

Common twin questions

Some twin moms get really upset by the questions people ask - and understandably so! Some people are extremely ignorant and the questions they come up with can be quite impertinent. Impolite. And down right rude! Me, I usually just think they're funny. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the funny questions I've been asked.

Upon seeing that I have a boy and a girl.. "Are they identical?"

"My aunt's cousin's daughter just had twins."

"Are they paternal or maternal?"

When I was pregnant- person: do you know the genders? Me: no, not yet. Person: do you know if they are identical? Me: they're not, they're fraternal. Person: oh! So it's a boy and a girl! I thought you didn't know the genders yet? (Then I try unsuccessfully to help her understand that it is quite possible for fraternal twins to be the same gender).

"Were they natural?" (This is the only question that bothers me. Especially if it's a completely random person that doesn't know me. What in the world do you expect me to say? "No actually, we had to go through years of infertility and spend thousands of dollars and give myself hundreds of shots to get them.")

"Oh a boy and a girl! How perfect! So you are done!"

"Can I have one? I'll just take them right off your hands for you."

When I was pregnant- "are you sure there aren't more in there?"

"Do twins run in your family?" (That's the nice way of asking if they are natural)

And last but not least, this one was not said to me, thank goodness.. "Did you have to have sex twice in the same night to get twins?"

When Hard Days Come

Most of the time, the twins sleep through the night. Usually 11-12 hours. Sometimes though, they wake up once. Or twice. Or three times. When that happens, it takes me back instantly to when they were just a few weeks old and waking up every 2-3 hours. At least now it only take 10 minutes to feed them and get them back in bed, where it used to take nearly an hour. But still.. When they have a rough night, I know that means the next day will be less than perfect. They're usually cranky in those days because they didn't sleep well, and so am I. 

So let's say one of those nights comes along, maybe it was last week. I wake up in the morning after a very short night and go in to begin the morning routine. As I'm changing diapers, I find hard little pebbles in Charlie's diaper :(. Boo constipation! So I'm massaging his tummy, trying to help him out a little. You'd think I'd put the diaper back on first, right? But I didn't. Chalk it up to the restless night. As I'm massaging, he probably pees on me first. That's a pretty common occurrence in this household. So I wipe it off as I continue to massage. And then it happens. The massage finally works.. Maybe a little too well. I suddenly find myself covered. And I mean covered. In Charlie's poop. Some people say little baby poop doesn't stink.. Well, try to remember that next time you're covered in warm runny poop that you just massaged out of your baby's bottom! I seriously just stare at him for a minute in disbelief. And then I start to laugh, because I honestly don't know what else to do. And it's a good thing I was laughing, too, because of course Caroline is laying right next to him, and given her knack for finding trouble, she rolls right into the big brown mess. I decide to take a picture and send it to my family so they can laugh - or groan - right along with me. You just have to love times like this :). 

A little later in the day comes one of those sweet moments when my sad, crying baby falls asleep in my arms from sheer exhaustion. Then as I go to put that beautiful sleeping child down for a nap, they let out a giant burp that is almost certainly accompanied by an incredible amount of spit up. And it's all down my front. So I laugh some more, because I don't know what else to do. And they I get cleaned up and remind myself not to bother getting dressed the next day, because it's just safer for my clothes to stay in the closet. 

By bedtime I think we have made it through the worst and it can only go up from here. So I get them in the tub, and get them washed and let them play in the water for a few extra minutes. Just before I take them out, the inevitable "poop in the bathtub" moment arrives. This time it was Caroline. And of course it's not even remotely solid, so it permeates the whole tub and both babies. So I take them out, one at a time, trying to get them quickly before they try to drink the water. I drain our slowest-draining-in-the-entire-world tub and then clean out the mess. Then I fill it up again, and go through the whole process of rewashing the littles.

By the time I get them both in bed and finally sink down into the couch, I probably feel completely exhausted. But as I reflect on the day and all the craziness that came along with it, I try my best to smile and to remember that these moments won't last forever. Before I know it my children will be all grown up and I know I will long to have another day with them as infants. Even if it was another day exactly like this. And so I laugh. And I smile. At least, I try to. And I remember how blessed I am.